Sating the Cravings

A post at Ride to Remedy got me thinking today.

Someone very helpfully brought in a bunch of lindt easter bunnies at work. They were on sale after easter and I ate way more than I should have. I've been wondering what happened to all my willpower, and I think he really hit the nail on the head here.

I used to pack a few pieces of chocolate in my lunch every day. Just a few Dark Chocolate Pastilles - a tiny amount of carbs, but I had the taste of chocolate whenever I wanted. I'd go weeks without eating any, but as soon as that craving came back, I could nip it in the bud.

Since I started my new job in January, I've stopped having chocolate on hand. Now, when I do get chocolate, it is so much harder to resist. I think it's time to start a chocolate stash at work again.

It's amazing how easy it is to forget a lesson once you've learned it. Having small amounts of stuff -often- works for me. If I know I can have a couple bites of chocolate every day, then I don't even look at the chocolate bar rack. If I can steal a few fries from my coworkers every few days, then I can walk by New York Fries without a blink.

Today we got cheese bread (one of my personal irresistibles) in the work grocery delivery. I had a slice. Soooooo tasty! But I was able to resist the second. I'll have it tomorrow. It's so much easier to put something off than to deny it altogether. After all, it's not saying "NEVER" it's just saying "Patience".

I must remember this rule!

Giving It Up: Smoking vs Carbs

One of my coworkers gave up smoking a few months back. He's been really happy with it, really proud of the accomplishment. In the past few days though, he's started to fall off the wagon. I've been ragging him for it - after all, doesn't he know how bad that is! Which is silly, of course he does, but I can't help feel like I should do something to 'help'.

It took a while, but it finally clicked today. There's another coworker who, now and then, tries to gently point out that maybe I shouldn't eat something. I tend to get a bit annoyed but try not to show it. I'm making my own choices.

It took a while for me to see it was the same thing. After all, that next smoke isn't going to be the one to start cancer growing any more than that next helping of fries is going to put my pancreas out of commission. It'd be lovely to have a readout somewhere, letting me know that I've got so many hours of high blood sugar before I do irreparable damage. But it's impossible to know how much damage is being done - especially if you can't (or don't) test after every meal.

It's so easy to say, okay, this splurge can't do that much harm. Just like I'm sure my coworker figures just one smoke won't hurt him. I don' t know so much what to do about it. I'm still trying to sort out my own balance.

But I guess I'll try to bug my coworker a little less about his choices.

Guilt, Guilt, Guilt

Am I a bad diabetic? Probably. I've tested once in the past few weeks. I've eaten carbs til I felt sick (admittedly, that doesn't take too much). I haven't checked my weight in a few weeks, so I have no idea if I've been doing any damage to those holiday pounds. I'm thinking about my diabetes, but not deeply. I'm not stressing it, I'm not logging it, I'm not always listening to the little voice saying 'I should' or 'I should not'.

Quite honestly, I put the whole darn thing on the back burner for large amounts of time. I do the basics. I eat something fiber-filled for breakfast (oatmeal/oat bran). I don't drink sugary drinks (including juice!). I do my once a week workout (usually). I try to not binge on the carbs and ask work to stock some low carb snacks.

But I cheat. And I don't test to make sure I'm really making the best choices. And I ignore the nagging little voice that tells me I should be paying more attention and doing a better job. After all, it's my body, my health, my future.

I feel like I'm the only one struggling sometimes. As if there's this great ocean of people who do what I do because they don't know any better. But because I do read up, and I do consider myself educated, I should be able to 'fix' all these bad habits and cravings and avoidances. I can read uncounted blogs about people who handle it just fine, thank you every single day. If they can do it and more, why can't I? Am I just lazy? Stupid? Self Destructive? It's been two and a half years now. I should have the hang of this, shouldn't I?

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

The Holy Grail

Okay, right, a cure is the real holy grail. But a cure is going to take time, and money, and skill, and probably a zillion more mice. They're getting really good at curing mice these days.

But for my day to day life? The holy grail is blood sugar testing without blood. No pricks. No way to skip out of tests because I 'forgot' my meter or I'm nearly out of strips. No stopping what I'm doing to go to the washroom to test - in case someone in the office doesn't like seeing blood. Fingers than don't get sore. Of course, I'd like some consistency and predictability, and an A1C that always matches what my meter's telling me too.

But I'll settle (for now) for losing the blood. There's a new non-invasive blood measuring device I just read about, the Echo meter. Early tests are positive. It's the sort of thing I take with a grain of salt. Early tests new stuff always seems positive, or it would never make the news. And then there's the whole "We need millions more dollar to develop this" gotcha.

If I ever win the lottery, I'm donating to this kind of research. Devices and technology that improve our day to day. Yes, we need a cure. But we also need quality of life.

Diabetes Alert Day

Today is Diabetes Alert Day. I didn't know this until I saw it someone's blog, but then I'm generally unaware of diabetes-related awareness events.

I'm really not sure what you're supposed to do on them. I'm fairly open about my diabetes at work. More in a 'I really shouldn't be eating this chocolate bunny you brought in, but I have no willpower' sort of way, but I'm not in the closet over it. I'll answer questions if they come up, or include diabetes related stuff in my daily ramblings and rantings.

But to me it seems the height of rudeness to say to someone 'Hey, have you been tested?'. I mean, to me ones medical issues (or lack thereof) are a personal topic. If you wish to share, fine, but I'm not one for seeking them out.

At the same time, I do understand the need for testing. I wish I'd gotten my diagnosis ten years ago. I remember reading one of those 'these symptoms could mean diabetes' billboards years before I'd gotten tested. I never asked for a couple of reasons - I didn't know at that point that there was a history of diabetes in my family. I was overweight and sendtary, but I was young and didn't smoke, so I felt I wasn't really at risk. Also, I didn't want to seem like a hypochondriac asking my doctor if I maybe had a disease when I felt healthy for the most part, and did have some real medical issues.

It's very uncomfortable to me to go to a doctor and start suggesting what could be wrong. Especially if there are no "symptoms". I notice now that post-carb icky feeling, but I had to learn to pay attention to it, and to associate it with food.

So, in the interest of promoting awareness, here's my advice. If there is a history of diabetes in your family, make sure everyone knows. Your siblings, your kids, nieces, nephews, grandkids, aunts.. everyone.

Second, talk to your doctor, especially if you're in Canada and there isn't a barrier to getting tests done if you do have some risk factors. There's value in knowing you DON'T have it, and if you do, the sooner you know, the better.

Luxury Bread

I don't think about food all the time. Or diabetes either. But I don't eat without thinking about it. I can't put a bite into my mouth without running through the checklist of "How bad is this for me". That doesn't stop me from eating white bread or dessert or juice or hot dogs or anything else - but it does tend to moderate my intake.

It also really, really, really, makes me wish for some decent, lower guilt options. Especially when it comes to bread. I've been eating mostly whole wheat for 3 or 4 years now. I have white for two reasons: First, I miss it, especially if it's really good crusty white. Second, no whole wheat alternative is available.

I have never seen whole wheat raisin bread. Whole wheat cheese bread. Whole wheat garlic toast. Whole wheat cinnamon buns. Whole wheat biscuits.

I've never found a bakery or restaurant willing to make any of this either. And I miss it! Sure, I can get whole wheat bread, tortillas, bagels, pitas.. but only in the plain variety. Where's the whole wheat blueberry bagel? Where's the spinach and whole wheat wrap? Where's the whole wheat Cinnabon? (Okay, Cinnzeo is never going to be healthy, but a whole wheat alternative would ease my diabetic conscience.)

It's annoying to have to give up all the other flavors to avoid/reduce white flour. You want to break down my resistance? Give me a slice of garlic bread. White is the only way I can get it, so I eat it on white.

There are a few exceptions to these: crackers and pancakes mostly. And once in a very long while, I'll find a place that makes french toast with rye or flax or wheat. But it's really an exception.

If you own a bakery or restaurant, please please, consider offering these alternate treats!

Conquering Fear

Sometimes I think it's better to not do something at all instead of doing it badly. Sometimes I realize that that kind of thinking is going to prevent me from doing a lot of things I want to do. So, we'll give this a try. The worst that can happen is no one reads it. I can live with that.

I can't eat for the rest of the night - A1C and Cholesterol tests tomorrow. I'm kind of nervous about it as I was not eating by my diet in any way shape or form over Dec and January. I had a lot of excuses - It's the holidays, we're moving and don't have a kitchen, but that wasn't the real reason.

The real reason was: I ate what my blood meter said didn't raise my sugars much (ei, I tried to keep it within 2 point range ( 160 in US units). I was expecting an A1C in the 5's. But it was a 6 - which is higher than I had the year before, when I wasn't trying the whole low carb and whole grain thing. It was incredibly frustrating - not only did I lose faith in what my meter was telling me, but I felt I'd really hit the limit of what carbs I could cut from my diet. It felt like all the work I'd been doing - we're talking adding exercise, changing my diet, and losing 40 pounds accomplished nothing.

Now I have a new doctor who should be more pro-active. Which I need, because I'm really not sure where to go from here. I'm on the max dose of metformin. And a 6.0 isn't a bad number. Many people would kill for those numbers. But I don't want to see them higher. I have no idea what my diagnosis number was - I've only got 2006 (5.0) and 2007 (6.0). This is a very bad trend. I don't know at what point I become officially 'type 2' instead of 'insulin resistant', but I'd really rather not cross that line, as arbitrary as it seems to me.

So, tomorrow, I get some blood drawn, schedule a follow up, and try to tackle this whole thing again.