Sometimes I wish everyone diabetic wore a button. I know there are many diabetics around me, but I rarely meet them offline. Those I have met with diabetes, including my stepmother, aren't really interested in talking about it. It's a closed door. I tend to share it, though I don't (I hope) ram it down people's throats.
Meter comparisons, concerns about doctors, venting about daily stress, any acknowledgment of the day to day frustrations and successes.. these only exist for me online. I read a lot of blogs, soaking up those other experiences.
When I go out, now and then, I watch the people around me. Perhaps someone will pull out a meter or I'll see a pump. I don't know that I'd do anything if I did. I'm far to shy to approach a stranger, and diabetes can be very personal. I think perhaps a great number of people don't want to discuss it. Sharing a disease doesn't make you friends or acquaintances. Given the variability of diabetes, their experience could be far removed from now.
But it would be nice to not be the only diabetic in the room all the time. To have a face to face conversation about it. I'll get there, sooner or later.
Showing posts with label doubt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label doubt. Show all posts
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Giving It Up: Smoking vs Carbs
One of my coworkers gave up smoking a few months back. He's been really happy with it, really proud of the accomplishment. In the past few days though, he's started to fall off the wagon. I've been ragging him for it - after all, doesn't he know how bad that is! Which is silly, of course he does, but I can't help feel like I should do something to 'help'.
It took a while, but it finally clicked today. There's another coworker who, now and then, tries to gently point out that maybe I shouldn't eat something. I tend to get a bit annoyed but try not to show it. I'm making my own choices.
It took a while for me to see it was the same thing. After all, that next smoke isn't going to be the one to start cancer growing any more than that next helping of fries is going to put my pancreas out of commission. It'd be lovely to have a readout somewhere, letting me know that I've got so many hours of high blood sugar before I do irreparable damage. But it's impossible to know how much damage is being done - especially if you can't (or don't) test after every meal.
It's so easy to say, okay, this splurge can't do that much harm. Just like I'm sure my coworker figures just one smoke won't hurt him. I don' t know so much what to do about it. I'm still trying to sort out my own balance.
But I guess I'll try to bug my coworker a little less about his choices.
It took a while, but it finally clicked today. There's another coworker who, now and then, tries to gently point out that maybe I shouldn't eat something. I tend to get a bit annoyed but try not to show it. I'm making my own choices.
It took a while for me to see it was the same thing. After all, that next smoke isn't going to be the one to start cancer growing any more than that next helping of fries is going to put my pancreas out of commission. It'd be lovely to have a readout somewhere, letting me know that I've got so many hours of high blood sugar before I do irreparable damage. But it's impossible to know how much damage is being done - especially if you can't (or don't) test after every meal.
It's so easy to say, okay, this splurge can't do that much harm. Just like I'm sure my coworker figures just one smoke won't hurt him. I don' t know so much what to do about it. I'm still trying to sort out my own balance.
But I guess I'll try to bug my coworker a little less about his choices.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Guilt, Guilt, Guilt
Am I a bad diabetic? Probably. I've tested once in the past few weeks. I've eaten carbs til I felt sick (admittedly, that doesn't take too much). I haven't checked my weight in a few weeks, so I have no idea if I've been doing any damage to those holiday pounds. I'm thinking about my diabetes, but not deeply. I'm not stressing it, I'm not logging it, I'm not always listening to the little voice saying 'I should' or 'I should not'.
Quite honestly, I put the whole darn thing on the back burner for large amounts of time. I do the basics. I eat something fiber-filled for breakfast (oatmeal/oat bran). I don't drink sugary drinks (including juice!). I do my once a week workout (usually). I try to not binge on the carbs and ask work to stock some low carb snacks.
But I cheat. And I don't test to make sure I'm really making the best choices. And I ignore the nagging little voice that tells me I should be paying more attention and doing a better job. After all, it's my body, my health, my future.
I feel like I'm the only one struggling sometimes. As if there's this great ocean of people who do what I do because they don't know any better. But because I do read up, and I do consider myself educated, I should be able to 'fix' all these bad habits and cravings and avoidances. I can read uncounted blogs about people who handle it just fine, thank you every single day. If they can do it and more, why can't I? Am I just lazy? Stupid? Self Destructive? It's been two and a half years now. I should have the hang of this, shouldn't I?
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
Quite honestly, I put the whole darn thing on the back burner for large amounts of time. I do the basics. I eat something fiber-filled for breakfast (oatmeal/oat bran). I don't drink sugary drinks (including juice!). I do my once a week workout (usually). I try to not binge on the carbs and ask work to stock some low carb snacks.
But I cheat. And I don't test to make sure I'm really making the best choices. And I ignore the nagging little voice that tells me I should be paying more attention and doing a better job. After all, it's my body, my health, my future.
I feel like I'm the only one struggling sometimes. As if there's this great ocean of people who do what I do because they don't know any better. But because I do read up, and I do consider myself educated, I should be able to 'fix' all these bad habits and cravings and avoidances. I can read uncounted blogs about people who handle it just fine, thank you every single day. If they can do it and more, why can't I? Am I just lazy? Stupid? Self Destructive? It's been two and a half years now. I should have the hang of this, shouldn't I?
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
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